What's It Like?

Invariably, people (sometimes- after all, it has been nearly 5 months since Pat died and most people have moved on with their lives) ask me "How are you?", "How are you doing?"...etc. No one ever asks "What's it like?", and I'm glad because it is someplace I wish and hope that no one ever has to go. The death of a spouse, the loss of a love, the dashing of your hopes and dreams, all the plans made, dreams dreamed..gone. Although I wish no one is ever in the place I am in now, I know that can never be so. Whether we like it or not, bad things happen to good people just as often as good things happen to bad people. The thing that is hardest to grasp is the lack of control in any of this. It's not anything like a divorce or a deployment or God forbid, a two week business trip! (yes, some well meaning person did say that!) It just happens and we are left trying to wrap our brains around it.

What's the hardest for me is the soul shattering knowledge that even though MY life and the lives of my kids have been irrevocably changed forever, HIS life is over. I am doing okay keeping it together and continuing to live and make new plans, new dreams...but his life is finished and that breaks my heart more than any pain or loneliness I might have. He should be here to see his kids grow up, to kiss me goodnight, to see a sunset, to read a book, see a movie, feel the wind on his face and have a cup of coffee. The unfairness of that just breaks my heart over and over again every day that passes without him. I have faith that he is in a better place and that we'll be together again someday but it still hurts. There was so much more Pat wanted to do. I will try my best to honor him by doing those things and building on the dreams we had together but it will never be the same.

Being a single parent is hard, being an ONLY parent is a challenge. Every decision, every everything all the time, rests squarely on my shoulders. There's a difference between 'doing it all' and 'having to do it all'. The responsibility of that is enormous but it is the fact that being the ONLY parent has changed my relationship with all of my kids. How we relate to one another, how we interact...all those little things are changed without their Dad here. They are all grieving his loss from their lives as well and sometimes I don't know what to say to them or how to help if they need it. I have no other opinions, no shoulder to lean on, no ideas to bounce off anyone. He will never influence their lives in the here and now. He will have no words of wisdom to give them, no advice to offer, no hugs when they are having a bad day. I can never be him. I can try my best and listen to the memory of his voice of reason in my head. I can tell his funny stories and crack some of his corny jokes but it will never be the same.

I think that is the crux of the question "What's it like?"...it will never be the same, nothing will ever be the same. We can never go back to what we had, what it once was, what we thought it would be like one day. Some days I wake up feeling like Dorothy stepping out of the front door into the land of OZ (minus the technicolor, munchkins and Glenda the good witch!). What is this life? Where do I go from here? I put one foot in front of the other and muddle through as best I can. The difference is that Dorothy could find a wizard and click her ruby slippers together and wake up at home just like always. I will never be able to do that, that home no longer exists for me. In my story, the house really did get tossed over the rainbow and there is no way back, just forward.

Today's Glass Half-Full: "When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal." ~Author Unknown