2011

It has been quite some time since I have updated my blog. Not because I haven't tried, in fact I have composed several blog posts in my head over the holidays but they all seemed so blah, so uninspired and so full of hollow sounding forced cheer that I could not bear to put my thoughts in print. Not that it was all bad. I had a relaxing and much needed trip to my sister and brother-in-law's for Thanksgiving.. It was a fun time and a nice trip for the younger three kids and me. The older kids came home from Europe in mid December after successful volunteer work overseas. It was great to have them home and hear their adventures! Then we were off to Disney World for two weeks at Christmas. Overall, it was a great trip and a perfect distraction to have a completely different kind of Christmas surrounded by extended family and good friends!
Just beneath the surface of the laughter, hugs, sightseeing, gift giving and theme park fun, was an almost palpable memory of Pat's presence and a keen sense of his absence in all that we did as a family. Perhaps it was a bit foolhardy of me to go to Disney World of all places to spend our first Christmas without Pat, after all, we both worked at the Magic Kingdom when we were first married and my memories of those five years plus our many return vacations since hovered near me every day on the trip...but I know how much he loved Disney World and what better place to try and have a Merry Christmas than in the "happiest place on earth"? On our first day there I found a Mickey Mouse pirate pin and knew in my heart that the trip was a great idea. I wore the pin every day while we were there. I also placed a plastic pirate coin in Pat's memory on Main Street where he used to work. (on a side note, I had been wandering on Main Street at the end of our last day with the coin in my pocket debating if I should leave it or not, when both Kelsey and I saw a shooting star directly overhead...I walked a bit further and heard a mom calling for her son, "Patrick"... I left the coin!)
So, we survived the holidays with some weepy moments here and there and just a little bit of magic (like Wil asking out of the blue if we had seen his Dad right outside the entrance to the Winnie the Pooh ride). Now it is a new year, 2011, a year Pat never lived to see. I try my hardest to stay upbeat and positive and hopeful and full of faith but I'd be lying if I said I don't feel moments of extreme sadness, deep despair and overwhelming loneliness. Some days I feel lost, unsure, sad. I find it hard to see what the big picture is, what the future might hold or wonder if I will ever feel whole and happy again. But that's okay. I do what I can, as best as I can. I don't have to have it all figured out and I don't always have to be strong as I move forward, as long as I just keep going. I have been truly surprised at the gifts I continue to receive from God, the people He has brought into my life from sometimes the most unlikely places, even as I am surprised at the friends Pat and I used to have that have drifted away. That's okay too. I am keeping the faith that it will all work out in the end. I remind myself that it is the journey and not the destination that I need to embrace, good advice I think since my destination in life is suddenly so unknown. In this new year I will do my best to remember the good times but to also look for the possibilities of this new life I am living. Nothing is written in stone. One of Pat's favorite sayings was "Carpe Diem", seize the day. I intend to do just that- on the sad, lonely days as well as on the happy ones.

Today's Glass Half Full: "When it is dark enough, you can see the stars" ~ Charles A. Beard