It is what it is...

To say that these past few weeks have been difficult is a bit of an understatement. I feel both emotionally and physically exhausted. It seems that each day, Pat drifts a little further away and the realness of this reality is rearing its head. For over three years we have had a 'we'll cross that bridge if we come to it' kind of attitude about the outcome of living with such an aggressive cancer. If I lift my head up, I see that bridge looming in the distance and I catch my breath. 'What-ifs" are now becoming 'Whens' and it is a bit surreal.

Although Pat's health is not all gloom and doom and we have been treating these things one or two at a time as they pop up, I did finally sit down with our most amazingly caring physician to discuss the fact that despite continuing efforts, the outcome will unfortunately be the same. It sounds good in theory and makes perfect sense, but holding 'quality vs quantity' of a life in your hands just basically sucks from however you look at it.

Pat is essentially bedridden and is in a lot of pain. He just finished up two weeks of radiation to help slow down a tumor on his spine (T7 for our medical friends). He wears hearing aids but they are starting to not be effective. I also fear he is losing the sight in his remaining eye due to a recently radiated tumor next to his optic nerve. He no longer reads or uses the computer and he gets the older boys confused when seeing them from across the room, which are my clues- as always, he hasn't said anything so as not to worry us. Pat also has periods of confusion which may be from the scattered brain tumors 'doing something', radiation damage or medication issues. We are working to resolve that but it is painful to see, for all of us. At other times there are glimpses of our old Patrick, still cracking jokes with the nurses and trying his best to be strong. He has not thrown in the towel by any stretch of the imagination or he is really in denial- he's not much of a talker these days so I'm not sure which it is. We are currently in a holding pattern to wait and see what the next scan will bring.

I think that having Hospice come in and start to prepare us for the unavoidable is what has given me pause this week. Pat is not quite sure of this path and remains insistent that we are not "there yet", and that is okay because it is important for him to have hope even as he struggles. I remain strong and resolved to do what I can to make this tragedy as easy as something like this can possibly be. We have counseling set up for the entire family, for which I am extremely grateful. How our wonderful kids have managed to keep it together in the face of all they have been through is amazing, but they need more support and information than I can provide so it is a relief to have the professionals to ease their minds. We start that next week.

As always, we have unfailing faith in God. I do believe in miracles and that complete healing is possible but I also believe that putting my faith in the Lord also requires me to listen to what He tells me, even when it may not be what I so hope to hear. His plan is not always our plan and we need to come to terms with that, no matter how hard it is to accept. Life is not fair, but it IS life and we should embrace it, no matter the circumstances, and be thankful for all our blessings. Pat and I watched the biography of Olympic champion figure skater and cancer survivor Scott Hamilton a few months ago. During his own struggles he resolved to take each day as it comes because, "It is what it is". Pat and I both looked at each other in total agreement.

Thank you all so very much for your prayers, caring and kind words. You cannot imagine how they sustain me and keep us all going! We will continue to move forward on this journey, no matter how much longer it may last and I thank you from the very deepest part of my heart for supporting us along the way.

Today's Glass Half-Full: "Enjoy the journey, enjoy every moment and quit worrying about winning and losing."~ Matt Biondi