Just Tam

I miss Pat.
Having lived through three deployments, I get the living without him part of death, I can get up and do what needs to be done. Can call a handyman for fixing stuff (ok- just joking about that, we all know Pat was first to call the handyman too- he was so not a DIY guy!) But at the end of the day I still find it hard to wrap my head around the idea that Pat is not somewhere, not living or breathing or anything. I find myself often in the midst of doing some mundane task like loading the dishwasher or folding laundry and suddenly I am blindsided by the thought that he is gone, really and truly gone, never coming back, never a part of my life again. It is still surreal and so strange and so sad. We were best friends since we were 18 yrs old and for the most part, unless the Army had him off somewhere doing soldier or doctor things, we were together. I can count on one hand the number of times we have willingly been apart in the past 20+ years. Now we are apart and there is no end to it. Some days I cry about it but mostly I am just puzzled by the way it makes me feel. I so get it now- feeling like half of a whole. That's me now, no longer "Pat and Tam", just Tam- no one's 'sweetie' or 'boo boo bear'. It's weird. I don't like it, don't like any of this. I hate that bad things have to happen to good people and Pat was for sure in that category! I got a quote from another widow (yes, me=widow, odd) that says "Expecting bad things to not happen to good people is like expecting a bull not to charge a vegetarian" corny, but I get it.
So many people tell me I'm 'amazing' or 'strong' (and thank you for those compliments- truly)but to be honest, I don't feel like it. Yes, I always try to look on the bright side of things, look for the silver lining of every cloud but in doing that it helps me cope. Some days I think if I would stop being positive and really let all of these past few years of both of our cancer battles and now Pat's death totally sink in, I would seriously lose it. I often wonder how I've held it together this long!
I guess keeping the idea that Pat is still by my side has helped me. I have a strong faith in God that this will all be okay. In all our years together, whenever anything 'bad' happened or we were confronted with any kind of problem or concern, Pat was always the first one to say "it'll all work out in the end". He knew how to turn anything into an 'everything happens for a reason' moment, never wanted me to worry or be sad or upset about anything. I am keeping that close to my heart now that he is gone and doing my best to hear him remind me of that. Sometimes I have help...
Yesterday I was having a frustrating day already when I dropped a bowl in the kitchen sink and it broke. Wil came over to see what the noise was, grabbed my hands and started pulling me around the kitchen in a moment of random dancing. I picked that little guy up, hugged him tight and swung him around the room while silently sending up a little prayer of thanks to Pat for that...if anyone was having a bad day, grumpy mood, burned biscuits, bickering kids...etc, he was the first one to grab up one of us and have a kitchen dance party. He had no dancing skills whatsoever but made up for it in enthusiasm and a goofy smile- sure to brighten every day. Those kitchen dance party memories are precious and I know he had a hand in getting Wil to dance with me.
I'm hoping that things like that will help get us all through this surreal and sad time. I am trying to focus on those small moments of happy and taking baby steps forward in this world without Pat. I miss him, and I miss me with him but I'm keeping the faith that it will be okay.

Today's Glass Half Full: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey