Almost One Year

I was almost surprised when I looked at my calendar yesterday and realized it was suddenly May! I had to catch my breath when it dawned on me that Pat died nearly one year ago...already. There have been many moments in this past year when the time line since his death has seem jumbled in my head. One day it seems like I was only just sitting at his bedside in hospice as he began drifting away from me and on other days it seems so very long since we were together. It is a very odd, sad little time warp but for the first time in a long time I feel a small glimmer of a new life ahead.

I made a joke not too long ago about the fact that for the first time in four years I actually bought non-waterproof mascara. To most people that might seem like something weird to celebrate but to me it is a real milestone. I can actually get through a day without worrying about crying and looking like a drowned raccoon in the middle of Costco. I remember the same tiny sense of euphoria in the fall when I went to my first oncology appointment and actually wore mascara- I was not concerned that I would be getting news from my doctor that was going to set me to tears! I no longer carry tissues in my purse in case of radical uncontrollable weeping while driving. For the first time in many months I don't feel as if there is a black cloud hanging somewhere nearby overhead threatening to unleash buckets of grief on me at any moment. Yes, if I look for It, I can see that cloud peeking from the edge of the horizon, but it has been keeping its distance for the time being. For that, I am grateful.

Of course, that's not to say that I am 'over' my grief or that I don't miss Pat every day. My grief is a part of me now and I will always miss Pat. The thing that is truly better for me is that I am slowly able to not grieve the life we should have had, that we would have had if cancer had not taken Pat from our lives. I am learning how to be just me, juggling being an only parent and looking forward with some hope and without so much overwhelming regret. It is not easy. I am so blessed to have an awesome family and a handful of friends who are patient and supportive. Friends who still manage to call, email and let me know on facebook that I am being thought of and still prayed for. You all know who you are and from the bottom of my heart I thank you!

I will be headed to DC with the kids (minus my oldest who is moving to Denver for college in 2 weeks!) for a military survivor workshop later this month. We will be able to visit Arlington National Cemetery on the one year anniversary of Pat's death. I am looking forward to spending time with other military widows and to honor Pat in that way.

I know he is in a better place and while I make my way in this life without him, I have faith that he still stands beside me, watching out for the family, playing some supernatural practical jokes :) knowing how grateful and blessed I am, and always will be, that he was in my life. I am proud every day. That pride- in him, our kids and the life we made together, is helping me to heal and find new meaning and understanding in every day. I savor the good times, the happy moments and the fond memories and know that Pat is never too far away and always a part of all we do, even a whole year later.

Today's Glass Half Full: " Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf." ~Jonatan Mårtensson