Spring

This morning I noticed the trees beginning to get buds for new leaves and the grass is starting to green up in patches here and there in the neighborhood, thankfully spring is on its way!

I always enjoy when spring starts peeking out from under the dreary cloak of winter. The daffodils popping up from the ground and the chirping of the birds in the morning are always a treat. When I was growing up and living on the East coast, I loved the smell of lilacs in the air, something we don't have here in our Texas springtime; although we do have our bluebonnets and the riot of color that spills along the roads during wildflower season. It is not quite here yet but this morning I got the first inkling that it is on its way!

Spring is also a time of renewal and of hope, something I have occasionally struggled with in the past nine months since Pat died. But I am in a good place at this moment, I feel at peace with my life right now. It has taken me some time to get comfortable in my new role and learning more about this strange identity, the person that is now 'me'. The realization is that even though essentially I am still the same person, the life events I have been dealt have changed me in more ways than I had originally thought. I am no longer under the impression that I can be the same 'me' I was before. I am not just living without Pat as half of a whole. It is not like a deployment when you can simply pick up his load and carry it until he comes back. You truly have to unpack both bags and sort through and determine what you will carry on your own because he will never come home again. I have reached a point where I can dwell on that and not be sad all the time. I am working hard to fill my life in a way that makes me my own individual whole person, albeit alone. I'm still not 100% there, but I am feeling positive that I am on the right course for now and that is half the battle.

I have some household improvements in the works and some small plans seem to be unfolding, slowly, but it will come. I'm taking better care of myself and making sure I have time for me. I celebrate my 41st birthday this week. And despite all the hardships of the past few years, or maybe because of them, I truly feel like celebrating that another year has passed and I am still here on this earth. I certainly don't take birthdays lightly anymore. And I'm sure that wherever Pat is, he is getting quite a laugh out of the fact that after this birthday, I will forever be older than him..I can almost hear him chuckling about it now! :)

I had all my oncology doctor visits and scans, with everything looking good and clear! I am so relieved although I cannot help but feel wistful that Pat is not here to rejoice with me and also a bit guilty that he never had the chance to receive the same news about himself. I know I will always have some survivor's guilt and it is normal. I know that we had two totally different kinds of cancer and two radically different outcomes and it would be like comparing apples to oranges if I look too closely. I am so thankful for having been able to truly know and understand what Pat was going through. There is a lot to be said about walking a mile in another man's shoes. He will always be my hero.

It helps me to reaffirm that we did all we could and even during the past few years of living with cancer, we celebrated each new season with hope and joy. We never let time just pass us by (as best as we could with feeling sick from treatments..etc) and were thankful for every moment we had together as a couple and as a family. It should not take a cancer diagnosis (or 2!) for us all to be truly grateful each and every day. We should embrace life and all it has to offer, both good and bad.

Soon those springtime buds of new life will begin unfurling and we will have pale green leaves and baby flowers dotting the landscape. I look to my own life for new little signs that I am healing and that the long (and unseasonably cold for Texas!) winter is in the rearview mirror- physically, spiritually and emotionally. I will look for the joy in each day and I hope you will too.
No matter where we are, the seasons WILL change and time will continue to move ever forward. It helps if we put a smile on our faces and greet each day with hope and happiness, thankful to be alive.

Today's Glass Half Full: "The day the Lord created hope was probably the same day he created Spring." ~Bern Williams